A Weary HearthKeeper
Come alongside me
When I’m weary
When I’m lost
When my flame flickers
When I can’t light the way home because I can’t light
I’m a tiny light in a large window
a barely burning wick in an overwhelming candle
Come alongside me
When I’m weary
When I’m lost
my flame flickers
sputters
threatens to go out
When I can’t light the way home because I can’t light
Come alongside me.
We all reach a breaking point. We become overwhelmed and dull. We flicker out and feel smothered. The weight of the home is so much. Always so much to be done, always the burden of idealism, perfection, other women’s judgment, the world telling me I’m mighty and can do it all when I’m not, and I can’t, and I don’t want to. We flicker, stutter, gutter, smoke, and go out. All of us. There isn’t a HearthKeeper who hasn’t at one moment or phase just wanted to throw in the towel.
We literally have a calling where if we’re doing it right it goes unnoticed. That can be so discouraging, to feel noticed only when things slip, stumble, or unaligned themselves.
This is when we need two things, both encouraged and provided by the Lord.
First, stop being Martha and be Mary: go back to the gospel.
Fly back to the gospel. Fly back to the Beatitudes. Fly back to Titus, the whole book, not just the few verses about women. Remember that we’re called to be living sacrifices, royal priests. We’re called to lay down our lives like Christ, washing feet. And we’re promised glory. Preach to yourself. Meditate on the sermon you heard on Sunday.
Stop being Martha for just a moment and be Mary. We acknowledge we’re low, discouraged, overwhelmed, and refresh ourselves with the gospel. Grace, mercy, our undeserved rescue. Remember we’re not only finite but also sinners, desperate sinners in need of desperate grace. Yes, sometimes we need to step back to renew our perspectives. We need to slip away to renew ourselves so we can continue to pour out our lives for our homes, but more than tending to our physical, mental, and emotional needs, we need to tend to our spiritual needs by fully drinking in the means of grace. We need to cling to what we can’t see, looking above the sun and rooting ourselves by the rivers of water.
What are some practical ways to refocus and root ourselves? Check our priorities for Sunday. We can’t preach to ourselves if we’re not hearing the preaching. We can’t be an oak tree if we’re in a desert. We need good rich soil and lots of water if we want to be strong trees where others can rest and find shade. Prayer meeting, Lord’s Supper, Preaching, especially the Preaching, and also the catechetical teaching times. Are we there? Are we engaged? If not, what are some changes we can make to change that? Earlier bedtimes, less social commitments, easier meals, more self-discipline, a plan, fewer projects? We need to talk to our husbands and let them help us. We need to talk to our children and let them know what this means for them and why it’s important. Encourage your family towards teamwork when it comes to Sunday.
During the week, we need to train ourselves to think about the gospel. We need to remember and feed on the mighty truth of grace.
Also, find some rich, non-female-centric, non-home-centric theology to read. Seriously. Enriching our understanding of theology will enrich our souls and that will strengthen our flames. We don’t believe in saving ourselves. We believe we’re saved by Christ. A rich theology will only deepen the grace of our salvation, not lessen it.
We’re more than our children, more than our houses, and more than the cook and the maid. We have minds, hearts, and souls. We can serve and help our husbands better if we develop our minds. We can serve and raise our children better if we don’t let ourselves go in this department. Ladies, we should be theologians. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s a bit over our heads if we’re just starting, but it is worth it. Christ is worth it. Our salvation will be all the bigger and all the richer for it, and that will move out and infuse our homes. Theology is our privilege and our right. Are we treating it that way, or just sitting on our hands relegating that to the male/pastor realm? Don’t we think our husbands would enjoy some deeper, more intellectual conversation? Don’t we know other women would too? Women, having gained the right to be in the sanctuary under the New Covenant, becoming fellow sons and priests, often segregate themselves from church and theology. Don’t. Don’t do that. Yes, we live in a now/not yet existence. There are gender differences and there are gender-based restrictions. But don’t add extra ones to the few our good God established.
If our candles are burning low, if we’re feeling weak, discouraged, lost in the laundry, we must first look to where we’re rooted. Are we rooted in the gospel, daily?
Second, we need to get ourselves an older woman…or like ten.
Older women have fought the fight and made mistakes. Do we ever ask an older woman what they wish they hadn’t done, hadn’t said, choices they wished they hadn’t made? Imagine the wealth of wisdom we could harvest from such questions. We need women who will speak the truth to us, help us get back in the fight. Who is our cadre? Is it more than just women in the same place we’re in?
We can’t just go to our peers. Yes, talking with a woman in the same trench we’re in can be very helpful, but it can also isolate us from the big picture and hinder our ability to gain perspective.
We should be selective about who we choose to talk to. Not every older woman is wise just because she has gray hair, and not every woman is foolish just because she doesn’t. Look for women who have come out of different phases of life without being bitter. Choose different women in different walks of life. It enriches our perspectives. Cultivate friendship. Not every woman is going to just be an instant friend. We all have close friends and acquaintances. Our close friends should include women wiser and older than us. This will require us to move outside our age group and out of the moms-with-kids-in-our-kid’s-age-group group. This will require time to talk. God instructed the older women to teach younger women. We don’t teach by not talking. We teach by communication and example. Brew that coffee, steep that tea, and embrace and enjoy the God-commanded girl time.
All my life, God has graciously surrounded me with older women. First, it was my Mom. Not all of us have moms who become trusted friends when the intimate-mom-years are over. I’m blessed that we made that transition from diapers, to teen angst, to friends. The other is Deanna Brown. The Lord knew that a certain crazy, loud, terrified teen would need Deanna through the thick and thin of her whole life. Outside my family, Deanna has been my longest-running, there-for-it-all friend, like since I was 15/16 years old. Many, many other older women have flowered my life with wisdom. More than I can ever count or start to mention. Many of them are part of this group.
In thinking of yourself as an older woman, I would laughingly and truthfully say that if you think you’re wise, you’re probably not ready to be a wise older woman. It seems to me that a hallmark of actually being wise is being painfully aware of how finite, sinful, and foolish you are and have been. The Lord had to teach me that I wasn’t a wise older woman in my 20s and early 30s. The sanctification was painful and took me down several notches in my view of my self-worth. Hard but good lessons.
Be careful, especially if you are young, and by that, I mean in your 20s, no offense, in giving advice. You have no idea how small and narrow your life experience is. Keep working, keep your mouth shut, and find an older woman to learn from.
This isn’t meant as a disparagement, just a warning. I’ve met 20-year-olds beyond their years and I’ve met very immature women in their 70s. Young women who have learned to nurse can be very helpful to other young women learning to nurse. A young woman who keeps a clean house can be helpful to a young woman struggling to clean the bathroom. There isn’t some magical line where you are foolish and then wise. If you’re young be suspicious of yourself. Older women still need new ideas and help in lots of different areas. I can see a 40-year-old suddenly having an unexpected child reaching out to a much younger sister or friend who is in the middle of having children for help and advice. But we should still get that big picture perspective from a woman who has raised children from beginning to the end. We should still talk to older women who have maintained their marriage from beginning to end. It will be much more helpful than complaining about your husband to fellow young wives. Also, no matter what stage we’re at, there is always an older woman, older in years or experience. Maid, Matron, Crone. The circle goes around and around and around for our blessing and mutual aid.
Older women, we don’t just pour our advice on every woman younger than us that walks by. We live out our lives, pray for wisdom, and build friendships. Don’t just have your peers in your home. Invite younger women into your home. Let them come and see. Allow a friendship to organically blossom. Our job isn’t to harass younger women with our advice.
Use wisdom and seek wisdom. Don’t be quick to give advice but be ready to talk and help. It’s a balance. We’re all in this group each day asking for advice. We should be ready to talk and help, but also guarding our words and not thinking too highly of ourselves.
Sometimes we need the wisdom of a woman just a step ahead of ourselves. We have babies and look to women with toddlers. We have pre-teens and look to a mom with teens. Sometimes that’s best. But when our lights are low and the window is large, we look to women who have kept burning. We look for women who have passed through the trenches. We look to the old Sergeant, not the raw recruit, if we want to live through the battle of loving our husbands, loving our children, and keeping our homes.
Root and water, HearthKeepers.
God wisely and lovingly gave us what we need. Not a list of do’s and don’ts with hem lengths, number of children, a homeschool mandate, and decorating tips, but the gospel, our calling, and recourses to help. From that rich river, we can wisely discuss hem lengths, number of children, homeschooling, and even decorating. From the gospel and other women we can keep our flames burning.
