Church Circles

This is one of those outlier applications of our work as HearthKeepers. HearthKeeping has lots of intangible benefits for our community and cultures, that often go unappreciated and unnoticed until everyone realizes no one is doing them and we miss them. Like the difference between a home-cooked meal and fast food. No one notices the home-cooked meal, until you have something come up in your life that puts food on the back burner and you have to eat out a bunch. Suddenly, the fact that someone has the responsibility of cooking food becomes desirable and valued.

This is one of those things. It’s not obvious, but doing it right is a blessing and doing it wrong is a curse. This is the realm we women work in, we work with quiet magic that has broad ramifications, either to help or hinder. We should all be praying all the time that the Lord would give us the grace and grit to help and the wisdom not to hinder.

We have all probably experienced the pain of cliques. Those groups of popular people exclude others and make fun of those they’ve excluded. We have either been the object of their derision, or we’re ashamed because we did the deriding.

Cliques are destructive. And where we especially want to avoid them is in our churches. We should never have a cool group that excludes the un-cool. We should never think of ourselves as cool and others as uncool. That is pride and it must be squashed. You should never choose your friends based upon popularity. It’s pride on your part, and unkind to them. As a PK and PW, no one wants friends due to their father or husband’s position. Deacons and Elders are normal people and so are their wives and children. Yes, cultivate a friendship with them, but not because of their husband’s position. And don’t ignore possible friendships with people who aren’t doing the obvious leading at church. Church isn’t a popularity contest or a game of politics.

So if we don’t have cliques, what do we do with the normal human desire to sit in the same pews and talk with the same people?

Circles, my sisters, circles.

Depending on your phases and commitments, you will move in different circles in your church at different times. That’s not bad, or sinful, as long as you aren’t proud, judgmental, or cliquey.

For example, as a childless wife, I tend to have single young women and women with older children in my circle. They’re in my spheres because our natural rhythms align more realistically. Young moms take much longer for me to get to know. They’re often in the nursery. I’m not. They have children who need specific watchfulness. I don’t. And I have health issues that make it difficult for me to keep up with your high-energy, go-go-go after toddlers. It can also be difficult to converse. Your world is dominated by all baby and children things. Mine isn’t. I have only tiny pockets of experience to pull from in the baby world. There is a natural exclusion on both parts. It doesn’t mean there isn’t love, but sometimes the building of a firm friendship between me and you may have to wait. I’ve had friendships pretty much end when my friend got pregnant. Not out of malice, but out of a lack of commonality and shared routine. Our friendship circles shifted. My young mom friendships require abnormal maintenance on both our parts. Moms need each other and there is a natural comradery between women doing the same thing at the same time. It’s sad, but not necessarily sinful.

Circles shift.

We should view these natural circles as a blessing, not exclusions. Why?

Because we can’t possibly get to everyone. Once a church is more than about five families, we have to be dependent on circles. You tend yours. I’ll tend mine. Hopefully, everyone is tended. Hopefully, no one is excluded and everyone is covered. And! There is overlap. It’s like bubbles!

With the circles, not fences, not walls, or cliques, we can move about as our phases, health, and providences change, and we can tend.

We tend our husbands, our children, our homes, but do we tend our church family? See, with the craziness of Covid, all the people not at church are a grave concern to me. I long to scoop them all up and hold them close, letting them know that they’re missed and dear to us. But I’m one person. I can’t keep up with 100+ people at all times, both those here and those away. I must trust that you are tending to those in your circle. That you are reaching out, you are checking up, taking care of needs, and expressing the love of the whole church to those you tend. And you must trust I’m doing the same.

But tending goes both ways. Circle shrink. I’ve experienced this with my health issues and I know all of you have experienced this through different phases and trials. Just remember you must tend your circle. You can’t maintain a strong circle by doing nothing. You must reach out, engage, practice hospitality, allow yourself to be tended, and be proactive. If you pull away from your church family, don’t scream and yell about not being tended. Start engaging. Friendships and family require a two-way road. Sometimes our roads shift (marriage, babies, work, interests), and sometimes they get halted (sudden health issues, complete overhauls to routine, job changes). Sometimes we are utterly dependent on others to reach out to us. But as much as possible, this should be a two-way road.

Have you ever tried to maintain a friendship with someone who refuses to participate or who isn’t in any arena of your life? It’s not gonna be easy and it might be impossible. Tend your circles or they will fade away, leaving you alone in the dark and cold. Tend your circle so that even our weakest links are cared for.

Our circle should be like bubbles floating in a graceful cloud. Bubbles join when their walls touch. Their walls are thin and easy to pass through. We should be those kinds of circles. We should be like a Celtic knot. All interlayered and connected. Visible, but impossible to separate.

It’s like this: considerer having a pew. There is a great blessing found in sitting in the same spot every Sunday: I can tell when you’re not there. (Obviously, this isn’t a command. Sit where you want. Move if you want. This is just an observation on the benefit of having a pew.) But make sure you cross the aisle! Make sure you don’t only talk with the same three people…and don’t make this a burden or judge others by what you see.

I have dear friends who I rarely get to talk to on Sunday, like my Mom. We’re both busy, engaged, tending our circles. So I text, call, and visit with her during the week. We can’t rely on Sunday to build necessary comradery and friendships. Sunday’s goal isn’t that. We must work behind the scenes during the week to share our lives. The contact you have with people on Sunday will almost always be surface level. How are you? How was your week? Our relationships will only deepen if we involve ourselves in each other’s lives during the week.

Look, I’m both an open book and very guarded. I can talk about my passions easily: stories, reading, writing, WW2, True Crime, homemaking. But the things I hold most dear, the reasons I love certain things, even my homemaking and my Christianity, I’m going to hold a little more tightly and deeply. I’m not going to be flippant about them. A quick chat at lunch isn’t going to open me up much. A few hours over coffee might. I’m sure you’re the same. That level of getting to know each other happens most often in our homes over a shared meal, glass of wine, a cup of coffee, pastries, or charcuterie board.

Hearthkeepers:

●   Tend your circle. Look for the weak and weary and reach out to them.

●   Keep the walls of your circle bubble thin. Don’t exclude. Expand and contract, connect with others. Resist pride and exclusions, but also don’t take on more burdens than you can or should. Trust other circles.

●   Open your home. Make sure you as a homemaker are strengthening the bonds of fellowship during the week. Text, utilize social media, make a phone call, put a note in the mail, and pray for people. This doesn’t need to be huge, elaborate, or even in-person. We should seek to get to know each other and keep up with each other. We must be friends if we want friends.

●   Don’t judge people based on the few hours you see them on Sunday. Get to know people the best that you can and trust they're doing the same. Strive not to be easily offended. Strive to give people the benefit of the doubt. Get to know who has health issues, who are introverts and extroverts. Look for the lonely (not always the introverts), the fringe, the un-included. Look for those who aren’t there.

Tend your circle, trust others to tend theirs, keep the walls soft and interconnected, reach out during the week.

This is an intangible element of being part of a church. This is an intangible element that we homemakers can excel in for everyone’s benefit. It’s not wrong to sit in the same spot at lunch and it’s not wrong to never sit in the same spot. The main thing is making sure we love our fellow pilgrims and we do that by getting to know them and helping them each in our unique, limited way.