Little Suzy Homemaker
Sisters, please tell me that I’m not the only one who says something she doesn’t believe or agrees with something she doesn’t hold to just to avoid conflict. I have always struggled with conflict. I’m often quick to agree just to keep the peace. I do this in my marriage and my friendships. I struggle with peace at any price. There are times I even want my husband to be less courageous, just because I don’t want to deal with any conflict. I have struggled and waged war with this my whole life. It is something I loathe about my character because I emphatically believe there are things worth standing for, worth fighting for, and worth dying for.
I came across this Chesterton quote the other day where he roughly said, “A good peace is better than a good war, but a good war is better than a bad peace.” This concept has sunk into me. It has encouraged and convicted me. I must hold the line in my head and heart, and then speak the truth, not cave for the sake of a comforting peace.
Unfortunately, I had a situation recently where I didn’t hold the line. It was frustrating, hurtful, and hard. Mostly because I felt deep shame at my response.
When we had our boutiques, we ran across the idea of an OSM. OSMs, excuse my French, means an “oh sh*t” moment. These are moments that catch us off guard and reveal holes in our thinking and culture building. Things come out of our mouths in a moment of panic when we’re internally thinking “oh sh*t, oh sh*t, oh sh*t.” Things that we know aren’t right, or true, or honest spill out. OSMs show us where we need to correct our thinking so that next time we have an OSM, the right things come out. During our boutique days, we encouraged our amazing staff to embrace OSMs because they force us to face ourselves and provide moments of growth and personal insight. They show us where we’re not 100% on board, where there are holes in our logic, and where we lack confidence and understanding.
Retail provides unlimited OSMs. Marriage provides unlimited OSMs. Parenting provides unlimited OSMs.
Embrace them as providentially provided insight into areas you need to work on. Internal freaking out points to unstable foundations, out of alignment practices, or places that need new systems.
As HearthKeepers, we face unique OSMs from other women. I recently had this experience on two different fronts.
First, I had someone call me a “Little Suzy Homemaker” and then suggest I “nip in the bud” some of the details of my homemaking before my husband got used to that level of spoiling. Were the words and advice hurtful? Yes, they were. But worse was my response. Instead of saying what I believe—homemaking is in the details and that spending my life on these details for the sake of my husband and home is a good use of my life—I threw my husband under the bus as if he was some tyrannical, insane dictator of my life whose only goal was to give me ridiculously minor, repetitive tasks. I acted as though if it were only possible to be freed from the tyranny of homemaking, then I might do something great with my life.
I was so ashamed.
Yes. I was hurt and troubled by the words thrown at me, but in that OSM, I didn’t say what was true, right, good, and beautiful. I didn’t say what I believed. I threw out all I hold dear, including my husband, in a ‘woe is me’ reaction. I was more ashamed of my fearful response, my caving to the expected ‘men are stupid’ response, seeking-the-honor-of-man response, than I was the belittling of my work.
Second, I had an acquaintance ask what all of us who used to work at Nordstrom together were doing now. Enter an OSM. Thankfully, since this was over social media, I had the opportunity to correct my thinking before speaking, because my first gut reaction was to try and play up my writing job and downplay my homemaking. The other responses intimidated me. Women who had gone on to be executives and such things. I wanted to somehow match them. Somehow justify my existence. The world’s lies bubbled up inside me as I tried to downplay what I do or cleverly re-cast it so that they wouldn’t judge me as a waste.
But I don’t think homemaking is a waste of time.
I think it’s less wasteful than being an executive.
What is wrong with me!?
It’s so easy to slip into feeling judged and then back-pedal on what you believe to relieve that sense of judgment. It’s so easy to say what you think people want to hear, so that you don’t have to deal with conflict.
OSMs.
God has sent me a handful of them in the last few days, forcing me to sort through and explain what I am, what I love, what is important to me, and why. I can’t get on here and Ra! Ra! Ra! homemaking only to turn around and try to downplay it when someone challenges me, or simply asks what I do.
OSMs.
OSMs make you think. They make you stop and check yourself. They’re hard because they reveal areas we have to repent of, but they’re good. They’re good for us. I’m thankful to have them and I’m thankful for these two, specifically because they showed me areas in my thinking that I still need to work on. I can’t call myself ‘all in’ if I’m unwilling to claim that I’m all in to others. I’m thankful the Lord showed me this area where I was reacting in fear instead of standing for the truth.
Two more things, HearthKeepers.
Those snide remarks about my homemaking? They came from another homemaker. We need to watch what we say and make sure we’re building each other up, that we’re being gracious. To one woman, frantically cleaning may be her thing, another may be crunchy, or another artistic. We all have different elements of HearthKeeping we excel in and areas we struggle in. We all have parts of HearthKeeping we discard and others we embrace. We are all in different phases of our HearthKeeping. Our world is so broad, so broad, that we can all claim the same title but practice it a million different ways. If one HearthKeeper loves to iron and you don’t, don’t put her down. If one loves to make beautiful food but you’re challenged by grilled cheese, don’t belittle the gift of others. We should be encouraging each other, not acting as if what we do is a waste of time.
Really, what can we do that is more worthwhile than home?
I have often found that that voice of snide belittling is a cover-up for a sense of our own laziness. It’s a defense mechanism. We mock what challenges us. Watch out for this. When we mock someone’s level of detailed homemaking, it might be a defense against our laziness being attacked. (This isn’t always true, but it is often true.)
Secondly, is home important to us, and will it be even if no children live in it? How will we spend our time as our phases change? As our nests empty, what will we do? I believe with all my heart, that homemaking is more than just childrearing. Do you? We need to start thinking now about how we can serve our churches, husbands, and families when we’re out of the homeschooling, childrearing stage. Will we keep homemaking or will we fritter away our time on ourselves? Will we find new ways to use our gifts for others or just let them selfishly languish? Will we come alongside younger homemakers and cheer them on? Or will we belittle the work? Will we be bitter about how our youth was spent on this small building and these few people? Or will we embrace the privilege of being HearthKeepers? Will we adorn ourselves with a gentle and quiet spirit that fears nothing fearful, or will we paint our gray hairs and wrinkles with bitter, put-upon complaining? We all need to think about this now. We can’t wait until the gray hairs start popping up. We must plan now, work now to be the right kind of women at every stage of life.
Keep in mind that retirement isn’t promised to any of us. We may just finish raising all our kids only to turn around and tend to parents for 15-20 years, and then turn around to tend a spouse with failing health. We may plan to travel, or start a business, or just pour ourselves into our church and grandkids, but none of those things are guaranteed. We must have a plan, but trust our days to the Lord. We must have a plan, but we mustn’t wait for some mystical retirement to start loving what we do. Embrace the repetitive drudgery of home and see the magic there, see the value we bring to those around us now. Don’t trash it for the dream of someday doing something important. What we do today, within our four walls, with our few people is important. This insight and attitude will aid us as we go through the different stages of life. Don’t wait for world-changing adventure. See the world-changing adventure of the everyday! And embrace those OSMs!
