Nuance

I recently finished Mary Pride’s book The Way Home which, if nothing else, gave me a lot to chew on.

One of the major things I found lacking in her book was nuance. Seeing it so starkly made me conscious of it in my writing, so where I haven’t been nuanced enough in the past, please forgive me.

We women must have nuance in our education because we’re the helpers, followers, supporters. It’s not helpful or fair to lay on a subordinate’s shoulders something they have no control over. If I’ve done that, please forgive me.

The difficulty with nuance is that if we don’t keep it in control we end up making the exception the rule, the rare the ordinary. When we do that, we end up speaking to no one. Everything has to be so strongly caveated to make sure no one is left out that nothing is actually said. I run into this all the time. I’m often the odd man out: pastor’s wife, childless, chronic health issues. The majority of women do not have those nuances. I have to filter books, sermons, podcasts, everything to my specific brand of off-beat-ness. But so does everyone else. Even if 99% of the world is married with children, husbands working normal jobs, wife at home, there are still numerous things that make each home unique. We all have to put in the work of taking the preaching and our education to heart and harnessing it for our specific life.

We don’t want to ever demand that our uniqueness become the law for everyone else. Our culture is determined to be unique, then demands that everyone be unique like me, and that our uniqueness be constantly addressed, placated, and honored. It’d be like the 3 single people in a church of 50 demanding that marriage never be preached on because it’s not their normal. We’ve made the exception the rule, and the rule the exception.

The nuances of our lives aren’t the rule for others. We have to hold onto that.

On the other hand—and this is why nuance is hard to manage—when we make broad, sweeping applications without any understanding and acceptance that people are different and living different lives, we end up placing a burden on people. (This is where it is so very very important to have a firm grasp of God’s law and Christian liberty. There are things we don’t nuance, but other than that, there is lots of freedom.)

We as women, yes this is gender based, are required to be workers at home, if we have a home. We have boundaries to our lives given to us by a good, faithful, unchanging God. But within those boundaries is great freedom. Your home may be young or it may be old. It may have children or it may not, few, many, or none. You may have a business or not, homeschool or not, urban or suburban or homestead. You may be so many things.

Much of this is guided by our husbands and so, one of the big deals when writing specifically to women is making sure everyone knows that we don’t have unlimited authority. (Neither do they, so calm down.) I can’t demand that a woman do something. I can only encourage, direct, and suggest, but I am not your authority any more than you are mine.

In Mary Pride’s book she sets up having babies, homeschooling, and not having any outside the home work as the law. She doesn’t satisfactorily deal with the fact that there are women not capable of these things, or women who must follow husbands who aren’t on the same page as Mary Pride. Unless it is a law of God that your husband asks you to break, or a law of the land, then we women need to obey and make things that are important to us a matter of quiet, trusting prayer.

Example: You work a part time job, manage your home, raise your children, and love your husband. Sometimes the job distracts you from home, frustrates you, puts you on edge, and demands that you establish boundaries so that your work actually gets done by the deadline. You become convicted about what this part time job requires of you and you approach your husband with your frustrations. Instead of letting you quit, he tells you he wants you to fit the job into your home and think about it from a different perspective.

What do you do, hotshot? (Speed reference.)

Well, you don’t scream, cry, nag, or manipulate. You smile and obey. You pray. Pray for wisdom and go to work on your attitude. Figure out how to best obey your husband. If you still struggle, keep praying and focusing on your attitude issues. If you need help obeying, talk with your husband calmly and respectfully, ready to obey even if you don’t get what you want and even if what you want is valid, because that’s how we honor and obey Jesus.

For a book like Mary Pride’s—and even The Gospel comes with a House Key—to work, the husband must be the instigator. He has to decide that the home is going to be a revolving open door, he has to decide not to use any family planning except providence, he has to decide if the family will homeschool, and he has to decide if the family will have a home business. These aren’t decisions that rest in us wives. We have a voice, our opinion matters, our conscience matters, but these are our husbands’ decisions.

Many of the books written by women address women as if we’re in charge and thus encourage nagging, manipulation, and discontentment.

Not having nuance also disregards finite limitations. Some women literally go at breakneck speed from 4 in the morning until 11 at night. They cultivate homes, land, animals, and children. They seem on top of life. I know women like this, just boundless energy. But not all women can manage a home, homeschool, and run a home business (Mary Pride’s ideal home). Some women are broken by pregnancy. Some women aren’t mentally gifted in these areas, and some are constitutionally weak. Without nuance, those of us who struggle in these areas feel like a waste of space. Without nuance, women end up with unlawful and unfair burdens placed upon them…mostly by other women.

Mary Pride talks about a home business based out of Proverbs 31, but true wisdom is to know that a mismanaged home business could send your family into financial ruin at the worst, or turn as much into a career as an outside-the-home-career. True wisdom says I can’t manage a home and homeschool and run business at the same time. Maybe the home business should wait. There is a lack of nuance. There is a lack of understanding the Law of God and the Liberty of God.

We must all face the reality at some point that we’re finite and can’t do everything. We may never be able to do some things, we may get to do some things for a time, or we may have to wait on other things until later in life.

Nuance is important because it keeps the strong from tyrannizing the weak. At the same time, the weak must not demand of the strong that they quit being strong. We have to hold both things at the same time.

A husband should live with his wife with understanding, but a wife must control her fear and not use it to bind her husband.

For any times I’ve come across as placing a burden on anyone, forgive me. Any time I’ve been demanding, forgive me.

I know my tone may seem strong. Generally, that’s when I’m preaching to myself and my sin-riddled heart. I do think we can use gentleness as an excuse. We don’t see the harsh lies, stifling fears, and rampant manipulation in our own hearts. I don’t want to mollycoddle any women. We’re in a war and we’re not winning. Our daughters and sons have no idea of the power of home, or the need of home, or the grace of home, or the work it takes to maintain a home, but they long for home. They feel the sting of abandonment.

We’re not winning, because women are ruling the world. The Old Testament says that a sign of judgment is women ruling. Home is where we nurture and build up best. If I talk strongly it is out of love, zeal, and frustration. Frustration for the girls being told they don't want kids, or that there will be time for that later and then when later comes, finding out they do but they can’t. Frustration at being told a career is more fulfilling than being a homemaker when it ultimately isn’t. Frustration at the self-focused attitude that acts like cooking, cleaning, and clothing our families is work fit only for slaves and not me, a woman. Frustration at losing the high calling, the nobility of womanhood and replacing it with a loud, bossy, ugly monstrosity. Frustration at all masculine strength being called abusive. And frustration with the ‘you can have it all and be it all’ mentality.

When I come on strong, it’s because all this is welling up inside me. I’m truly sorry if that has placed any unfair burdens on any of you.

This book, The Way Home, wasn’t what I wanted. It was a sentence by sentence fight for the truth, but hopefully some good will come out of it. We can’t let the rare rule the world, but they should still have a place, a voice, and be able to serve.

Nuance is important as long as it is kept in control and not allowed to run wild.