Preparing our Homes for the Single

I read—read? Skimmed? Skimmed—an article the other day about the rise in aging singles and the issues it is causing. These are men and women who are retiring from the workforce with no support network. They have no children to take care of them and no spouses. Society has always had members who aren’t married or who didn’t have children. Society has always had to care for them as they age. Sometimes that has been becoming a nun, and sometimes that’s abject poverty and borderline starvation, or being cared for by strangers.

According to this article, and what I’ve seen with my own eyes, we have a larger population of unmarried, childless people than we have had in the past.

What does this mean for us homemakers?

It means we may need to step up. We may need to open our hearts and homes to these people.

See, our communistic, career-focused society pushes our young people, especially our young women, to wait to get married and have kids. Career, career, career. That’s practically drill-sergeant-screamed at us from birth. Men end up thinking career is more important than family. They don’t think about being husbands, fathers, and providers. They think about their career. And women aren’t told we have an expiration date. We’re told to wait to get married and have kids. We’re not told that that may mean you won’t ever get married and have kids. They don’t tell us that we’ll wake up one morning alone in the world with no family, hoping that our career-oriented culture will decide that supporting us in retirement and the detriments of old age is somehow worth it to them. They don’t tell women that we will truly find ourselves in motherhood. They don’t tell men that they will find rich rewards in protecting their families and raising their kids, that they have something to bring to the table.

HearthKeepers, this may be an area in the future where we can shine. It may be an area we are called to serve in our churches. We should think about how we’re going to be cared for, but also how we’re going to care for others.

Not having children, I can tell you now that I hope to be under the loving care of my nieces and nephews when my time comes. If not them, then I trust my extended family or church to take care of me. I have people to tend to me. I hope to help tend to my parents and others in my turn.

If our world continues down the path that it is on, we HearthKeepers may be called to extend our tending beyond families to those in our churches and communities as the generations roll over.

When I was growing up, I only knew one or two single people. When I was getting married so were my friends and siblings. There have been divorces, yes, but they’re the exception in my micro-culture, not the rule. Unfortunately, I’ve seen an increase in the next generation of singleness and childlessness. More and more men and women seem to be struggling to find a spouse, or have decided they don’t want to be married. Some find a spouse but can’t or don’t have children.

We will face a day when they need tending and that will most likely fall on us.

My parents drilled into us the understanding that at some point it would be our job to care for them. They ingrained this in us, and they set an example for us of caring for their aging parents, sometimes for decades. I write and coordinate content for a neighborhood magazine. That neighborhood is a moderately wealthy to very wealthy community. Many of the articles submitted that I review are about secure retirements and health care as you age. It’s a unique experience to read these things because so many, even middle-class, families can’t afford all the services offered. It’s also interesting because I’ve seen a whole business world develop in my lifetime for senior care. Why? No one is around to care for the seniors. Children are in daycare and seniors are in nursing homes because we’re all focused on careers.

I’m thankful, so thankful, for the services that tend to the elderly. Some people don’t have families, healthy family members, or even the ability to care for the issues their elderly are facing. There are as many unique circumstances as there are elderly needing care. But I think all of us committed homemakers need to think not just of husbands and children, but of our elderly friends and church members.

This is hard and challenging work, and we may all have the best intentions that fall apart, but we need to start mentally and emotionally preparing to tend to parents, grandparents, and possibly singles. With the way Canada is going, those with mental health and chronic health issues may also need our tending. If the world stays on track, the care of the needy will fall more and more on us.

Ladies, we are strong enough to do this if we start training our thoughts away from ourselves, deserving, and drudgery to hospitality, delight, and warmth. We will be able to be beacons of light and, as scary as it is to say this, possible sources of life for these people.

Homemakers are the tenders of small, broken, needy things. We help create structures that shelter and protect with beauty and nourishment. A time is coming when it won’t just be parents, but friends, neighbors, and church members who will need that shelter. We need to prepare, especially mentally, now.

Maids: Courageously face the fact that you might be one of these single and childless women. Learn now, through the tending of whatever home you have, to care for people.

Get to know people who aren’t single. You’ll need them. Get to know their children. You’ll need them too. And put in the work to maintain these friendships. Oddly, friendships can be harder to maintain the longer you go. Invest in the lives of others. This isn’t using people, this is being part of your community. Stop listening to the world and start preparing yourself to be married. That’s more important than any career. Read through what the Bible calls women to do and develop those characteristics and virtues. Be actively engaged in your church. Be where the right kind of man will be looking. Pray. Communicate regularly with your friends that you want to get married. In this day and age, none of us know unless you tell us. And for the love of all that is holy, think about what you want in a man and stick to it. There are worse things than being single.

Side Note: Don’t be opposed to marrying an older guy. From time immemorial, young women have married established men. This isn’t weird or pedophiliac. Stop acting like it’s strange, gross, or creepy to be married to a guy who is older than you. It’s often very healthy. Women tend to mature faster than men, and we have a much shorter window on having children than men do. I know it’s totally against all current wisdom, but get married young and have kids as soon as possible. When you wake up one morning in your 40s, you won’t be alone. You’ll still be young enough to do lots of things and you’ll have a family to do it with.

Side Note 2: Marriage is not a law. Nowhere in the Bible are we commanded to marry. You aren’t sinning by deciding to not get married, if that is the choice you have made. But, and there is a big ‘but’ here, marriage is good for us, and the Scriptures are filled with blessings that come from marriage and having children. Marriage illustrates Christ and the Church. Christ himself takes a Bride: the Church. Marriage is a lot of work, yes. Marriage can put either partner at risk of abuse, yes. But that is true of all of life. Marriage also protects us, provides love and companionship, helps us grow in sanctification, helps us better understand the love Christ has for us, and is the lawful and healthy place to have children. I strongly recommend you take very seriously the choice of rejecting marriage, and know what you’re rejecting and why.

Matrons: Engage with single women of all ages, and for the love of all that is holy, talk about something other than your kids and your birthing experience. It will be good for you to remember that you love music, read books, paint, understand theology, and have political interests. You will be a better mom if you remember we’re all multi-faceted.

Side Note: I’m not saying don’t talk about your kids and your birthing experience ever. Young women need to know all the things. I’m just saying don’t make it the only thing you can talk about. It makes it almost impossible for single and childless women to join your knitting circles.

Also, make homemaking and family attractive. Your daughters are inundated and brainwashed to see marriage, childrearing, and homemaking as an insulting waste of their talent. They’re told these things relegate them to a life of boredom and servitude. Don’t confirm those things in their minds by complaining, complaining, complaining. Many a young woman has been driven from hearth and home by a complaining mother, only to wake up one morning in the cold wondering why they’re all alone. We must light the way back home by showing our daughters both the challenges and delights of homemaking. This work is hard, but all the best work is. We should strive to retrieve the young women of the world, not silently agree with the world through our attitudes.

Lastly, again for the love of all that is holy, train your sons to be good men and train your daughters to look for good men. Train your daughters to be good women and train your sons to look for good women. We all know marriage and child rearing and homemaking are impossible jobs that require us to give our all. Don’t twist that into a bitter diatribe that sends your sons and daughters running into the arms of a meaningless career. You will wake up one morning with children who are far away and no hope of grandchildren wondering what happened. You happened. Your constant bitter attitude and complaining spirit confirmed in your children’s minds that only a career can make them happy.

Crones: Having to care for others, or be cared for, requires great humility. This is the last great battle before death. Face it with grace and courage. Stay in the fight and keep your attitude in check. It is easy to grow miserly as you get older. Life is full of horrible mistakes and regrets weigh heavily on your shoulders. Continue to be a holder of the candle that says this is good work! If you have to care for others, remind us that this is a good duty. If you have to be cared for, seek to be easy to care for. You can be a pill to those around you, or you can bring delight to those who have the responsibility to care for you. Remaining tender, kind, good, and sympathetic into our crone years takes spines of steel. Light the way for us, dear ladies!

Caring for the elderly has long been the realm of women, just as caring for children is. We have the abilities needed to do this. For a generation, our elderly have been handed off, but I think we may see many needs here open up moving into the next generations.

Let’s not be caught lounging around while our pots boil over, but start now building communities to help those in need, or be helped in our need.