HearthKeeping & Phases of Life

A gathering of women, a room of voices, laughter, sarcasm, some tears. A room of sweet kindness, quiet strength, clever minds, and practical fingers. A storehouse of tips and tricks, memories, and recipes. Beauty, chaos, control, repetition, organization, and feeding. This is women gathered together. Wisdom laughing, strong against the darkness because she is armed with calm comfort.

A gathering of women, quiet, studious, focused. Much to do, much to learn, much to manage. The holder, the keeper, the rememberer, needed when others have forgotten history, childhood, or their favorite food. Needed when the world is too cold, the darkness too harsh, and the burdens too heavy. This is a woman in her home. Growth, laughing, learning, always learning, she is armed with calm endurance.

Phases. Phases. Phases. Why do all the wise women, all the books, all the homemaker things talk about phases of life? It’s a drumbeat that pervades the life of women. Why?

Because it helps us make sense of our lives and it prepares us for change. The life of women is cyclical and always about phases. This is why in pagan myth women are so strongly associated with the moon: cycles and phases. We go through hormonal cycles and phases, some monthly, some throughout our lives. Our work is cyclical, wash, rinse, repeat. Our phases are often raising the young and tending the old. Even the idea of the Maid, Matron, and Crone is all about different phases of life. A man’s life would be like an arrow, shot from childhood up into adulthood and then down to old age. A woman’s life is a wheel, going around, around, around.

Thinking of the phase of life we’re in helps us set proper expectations, and proper expectations help us be content and prioritize.

If we’re in the baby phase, we don’t look at the empty nest phase and set it up as our standard. The empty nest phase may have a clean house and get to go places with ease. The baby phase is the exact opposite, but has its own delights, like…babies! You can be tempted to envy the empty nester, but she may be tempted to envy you in the baby stage. We should strive to understand our phase of life, be content, look for ordinary delights, and notice the opportunities.

Don’t be discontent with being young women who must learn, and don’t be discontent with being the older woman teaching.

The hard part with phases is when they aren’t what we’re expecting. Allow me to use myself as an example: I didn’t get a baby phase. I got a business phase. When we tried to move into the baby phase, I got a chronic health phase.

Chronic health and homemaking are interesting. (I have so many dear friends with chronic health issues that I think it’s important to talk about it in the sphere of homemaking, and I’ve only ever found one book that addressed it. So, healthy women, bear with us and realize that your health isn’t guaranteed. Don’t take your energy for granted.)

I spent 2015 on the couch. 2016 I was able to help my in-laws as my extra-Dad was having lots of health issues. 2017 I was able to work a small, part-time job and help my extra-Mom transition into an independent widow. In 2018, I switched my small job, went to Paris, and started focusing even more on my home. 2019-2020, I found an eating plan that my body and soul actually liked and got a better handle on how to manage my days, which provided me an increase in energy.

My days start slow. My body generally wakes up early, but without the ability to do anything. I can wake up with a fair amount of pain, brain fog, and anxiety that I just have to allow to pass. It can take up to two hours to get my body calm enough to get going. I’ve learned that staying in bed doesn’t help and not to judge my day by my morning.

This gives me between six and nine usable hours each day. Those hours have to include breakfast, lunch, and dinner, which have to be carefully prepared according to my eating plan or goodbye any usable hours. I also only get those nine usable hours if I do almost nothing from Sunday afternoon to Tuesday morning. So all homemaking, meals, accounting, laundry, cleaning, decorating, maintenance, personal hygiene, and socializing happen between Tuesday and Saturday, in those nine-ish hours. If I have a flare-up, that’s reduced even further.

I can’t go, go, go. I plod. I move slowly. Projects can take me a whole year instead of a month.

This is my phase of life. It may last for the rest of my life or it may slowly improve. It has slowly improved, but I’m not getting any younger. Menopause is looming on the horizon, and if it’s anything like puberty, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. I’m not expecting to ever be like I was in my twenties. I am striving to be content.

I’m looking for the beauty and the opportunities of my phase. I’m working to use my slower place to think, observe, and share.

Like all areas of life, half the battles are waged in our heads. I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not less of a person because of my limitations. I have to remind myself to keep saying no. I have to remind myself that I’m no less a homemaker because I have no children. You will have different mental battles. You may think you’re of less value because you’re not married, or you may think you’re failing because your children constantly undo any homemaking accomplishments you achieve. We are all at war with our own minds and hearts, and we are all in different phases.

We all have limitations. All of us. Sometimes it is obvious and sometimes it isn’t, but we all need to process our limitations. If you know your abilities you can create priorities and boundaries. Boundaries keep us from constantly being caught unaware, unprepared, and with our pants down. They are good things, even when they’re not the ones we wanted. They teach us to be humble, that we’re finite, and to rest in the Lord, because, honestly, there is nowhere else to go. Boundaries we establish for ourselves keep our lives calm, our focus on the right thing, and acknowledge that we can’t do it all and we don’t need to try. Different phases of life have different boundaries. I highly encourage you to seek out women who have gone through your phase and profit from their wisdom and experience.

Your phase of life may be very similar to mine or very different. You may be in the baby phase, the husband working nights phase, the teenager phase, the moving phase, the remodel phase, the aging parents phase, the spouse with health issues phase, the changing careers phase…or all of them at once. It is normal to be meshing several different phases at one time. Some phases are long, like taking care of aging parents and then helping a parent transition into a certain level of independence, or raising children. Other phases are short, like a temporary change in work, or the holiday season, or a move. Again, wise women with experience can help you have perspective. You may be in a short phase that feels hellishly long or in a long phase that is slipping through your fingers. Get help and advice.

Looking for the phase of life that we’re in can help us take a deep breath and stop the feeling of our world falling apart. Looking truth in the eye, even hard truth, can bring a sense of calm. Fear is usually fear of the unknown. When you label something it lowers the fear level and you can start to deal with it. This is a phase, what does this phase need, adjust, prioritize, and set boundaries. Writing or talking out your limitations can be helpful. Getting them out of your head and onto paper or sharing them with a friend can help you see what you need to do so that you aren’t feeling out of control and reactionary. Again, utilize the women who have gone before you in this phase. (Are you feeling the other drumbeat here? Older women! Talk to them!)

Life is crazy. Life is hard. We are all finite. We don’t get to choose the phase the Lord has put us in. But we can trust Him. He is good and does good. He hasn’t abandoned us and He will turn our trials into good. Ordinary beauty and ordinary good surround us, if we will just take a moment to see them. Priorities and boundaries hedge us about so that we can better serve our families, help our husbands, and hold onto wisdom and growth, being the women we’re called to be. Set them. Take a moment to honestly acknowledge the phase of life you’re in, don’t compare it to another woman’s phase, and see what your phase opens up to you.

Phases. Phases. Phases.

Women talk about phases because our lives are cyclical. Seeing this helps us manage the wonderful gift called home that the Lord has given us. This is an honor and a privilege and deserves our best, not our frantic reactions. Let’s gather together, even if it is only in spirit, and go at the work of HearthKeeping.