Planning for the Future

I know I’ve probably talked about this a lot in various other articles, but it’s something I’m trying to hold onto and something I’m trying to be aware of as I age and those around me age as well. I’m seeing pitfalls and dangers. I’m watching and thinking both “yes, do that” and “no, I don’t want to do that.” I’m noticing temptations and wanting to be purposed about aging. If all of this seems familiar, I’m sorry. Just bear with me as I spiral through these thoughts.

Throughout my whole life as an adult, I’ve had a backup plan for what I would do if my husband died. At some points, this has functioned as rebellious escapism. I’m being honest about this as a warning. None of us enjoy being told what to do. We all sinfully long for freedom and we must preach to ourselves that freedom to do what I want, when I want, is often just selfish self-focus pretending to be liberty. True liberty is found in obeying Christ. This is the truth that we must preach to ourselves every day. It is good and wise and responsible to have a backup plan, but we must not allow it to become an indulgent fantasy of “if only I wasn’t married.”

My plans have changed throughout my life. What I thought I would do in my early 20’s isn’t at all what I would do now. It’s important to think through how you would handle food, clothing, and shelter without a spouse. How would you provide for yourself and your children if something happened to your husband? Planning keeps you from being unprepared and caught off guard. It trains you now so that if the worst happens you are less likely to flounder. Review your plan, revise it, even discuss it with your husband to make sure you’re thinking through all the things. Don’t wing it, be diligent and intentional so you are the least burden possible on your church and family, while humbly accepting that if your husband does pass, you will be a burden. We all have to grow the humility to allow our feet to be washed. We’re not always the foot washer. Sometimes we need the help of our families, friends, and church. It is good for us to need help.

One area I want to focus on for my well-being is what I want to engage in if my husband leaves for our eternal home before I do: church.

It’s tempting, for the same reason a plan can turn into rebellious escapism, to make our plan a list of all the things we will do when we’re ‘free’ from the burden of husband and family. Most of the list is filled with ‘me time’ type things. All the things I want to do. I asked myself, have I ever stopped to think about the right way to spend my time? Have I stopped to see what God calls women to do who have lost their husbands?

Honor widows who are truly widows. 4 But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God. 5 She who is truly a widow, left all alone, has set her hope on God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day, 6 but she who is self-indulgent is dead even while she lives. 7 Command these things as well, so that they may be without reproach. 8 But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

9 Let a widow be enrolled if she is not less than sixty years of age, having been the wife of one husband, 10 and having a reputation for good works: if she has brought up children, has shown hospitality, has washed the feet of the saints, has cared for the afflicted, and has devoted herself to every good work. 11 But refuse to enroll younger widows, for when their passions draw them away from Christ, they desire to marry 12 and so incur condemnation for having abandoned their former faith. 13 Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not. 14 So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander. 15 For some have already strayed after Satan. 16 If any believing woman has relatives who are widows, let her care for them. Let the church not be burdened, so that it may care for those who are truly widows.

The passage on widows curbs my self-indulgence. Post-married life isn’t time for me, but time to serve the church. If I am making plans to provide for my food, clothing, and shelter, I need to also plan for my church and how I’ll serve her. I need to think about serving my church in a different capacity than the service I provide as the pastor’s wife.

A careful exegesis of the scriptures doesn’t teach us that we’ll reach a stage of ease and self-focus in this life.

I want to plan to teach younger women. I know it will be tempting to isolate myself from young women. I’m in my early forties and this is already a temptation. Young women are…young, full of thoughts, energy, and emotions. They don’t get any of my references, they talk about things I don’t understand, and they often have babies, who I love, but are honestly messy and loud. Their issues and concerns aren’t things I had issues with as a young woman. They worry about things I never worried about. They have to deal with things I didn’t have to deal with. Neither of us seems to understand the other. I see right now how easy it would be to not invest in the next generation. I sense the temptation and I don’t like it. I love the young women around me.

In a moment we can cut ourselves off from an entire generation of young women because, frankly, it’s easier and so much more comfortable. Being around and curating relationships with young women is disrupting work. But we’re called to do it. At no point in our pilgrimage here on earth are we promised retirement. I need to get that through my thick skull. We are called to love the brothers, serve the church, and work on sanctification. Older women aren’t called to finally get around to that bucket list, but to train up the younger women.

Reading 1 Timothy 5: 3-16 is challenging and convicting.

Widows aren’t to be self-indulgent. If young widows aren’t to go about gossiping, being busybodies, how much more is this true for older widows? And if it’s true for widows, it’s true for all of us women. There just isn’t a time of life where we aren’t called to serve our church and care for our families. If you’re racked with infirmities, pray. Pray! Pray! Pray for the women in your church. Do you know what a blessing it is to know older women are praying for you?

This world is evolutionary and humanistic. Our mentalities and life choices, even when they look the same as the world’s on the outside, will be for completely different reasons. There is nothing sinful about retirement, if so blessed, or enjoying the things God has given you. Gifts are meant to be enjoyed! But we must avoid the notion that we’re promised these things, deserve these things, or that this life is all we have so live it up. This life is a testing, growing, breaking, scarring passage we fight through before we gain eternal rest.

So if we’re maids, matrons, or crones, what do we do now?

First, remember we’re helpers to our husbands. We don’t want to get overly caught up in making post-husband plans. Second, we need to face and fight the temptation of self-focused indulgence. We need to think now about being a godly widow and what that means. Third, practice. Those of you with small children can’t comprehend a time without the clamor of little voices and the endless days of raising little ones, but there will come a day when you will have an empty nest. We don’t allow ourselves to think how grand it will be to do what we want. We garden our thoughts to think about how we will serve our church and our families.

Even now, harness your children to help and serve at church and ponder on how you might use your gifts for the church’s wellbeing. There are probably younger women, moms, even now who need to be taught to keep home and love their husbands and children and not to gossip or be busybodies.

Start practicing now.

For us in our forties, this means practicing mental and emotional self-control. Marriage was hard early on, and it’s hard now, just sneakier. We all wake up one morning and realize the man sleeping next to us is old and not a handsome Prince Charming. We all wake up and realize that from the perspective of the world we have little to show for our time here. We’re obsolete. This is what the world calls a mid-life crisis.

Instead of leaving mentally, emotionally, or physically, instead of becoming bitter, we root ourselves in God’s word. This life isn’t about our accomplishments, but Christ’s kingdom come and coming. The more we root ourselves in this truth the more meaningless and unimportant the trappings of this world become and the more willing we are to pour ourselves out for His sake.

Lastly, we grow ourselves in the truth. We don’t excuse ourselves from the rich loam of the garden of theology. We don’t regulate all that to stuffy men in seminaries. We are tempted at every stage to be flirting fools who are gullible to every honey-coated, fear-laced lie. We need to sharpen our minds. We need to listen and talk with our husbands while we have them. We need to listen to the sermons of our pastors. We need to begin to battle the lie of supreme and complete independence. It’s not reality. We all need to submit and obey. We need to get to know our pastors and deacons, and discuss theology with our husbands. This isn’t an area we get to be lazy in, or we’ll be unprepared for widowhood. We all must guard and garden our hearts.

I say all this because I’ve profited from having a post-husband plan and I’ve also indulged in plans in a self-focused bid for autonomy. This is what I need to hear, this is the reminder I need. I also say this because I’ve observed women who don’t go into widowhood, old age, or retirement with any response but to focus on themselves, as if their work is done now that they’re a widow, abandoning the next generation of women. I want to encourage women to re-forge the links between maid, matron, and crone, between grandmother, daughter, and granddaughter. Unfortunately, what I see is each generation forced to scramble for skills they were never taught, and each generation recycling the lies of career being more fulfilling and more important than church, husband, hearth and home, and children. I see too many Christian women holding out for that day they can do what they want, which is an entirely unchristian attitude and philosophy. I see all this in myself and want to go to war against it.