So You Want to be a Homemaker? (Part 2)
Dear Single Homemaker,
Your desire to do this work, to be a homemaker is no longer assumed in our culture, but straight up opposed by the influencers, storytellers, artists, teachers, and government. This means it is opposed by your peers, support network, and family. You won’t find much encouragement for the full-time management of your home. Making this choice will set you outside the tribe and will require great courage.
The first thing you’ll need to work on is your own heart. You’ll need to guard it and garden it.
You guard your heart by submitting your will to the Lord. Look through the passages on, about, and for women and pray you can by faith trust and see the Lord’s goodness in His plans, purposes, laws, and callings. Guard your heart with the truth. This will be best done by making Sunday (preaching, prayer, baptism, the Lord’s Supper) your priority in life. This is also done through private prayer. Set a shield wall around your heart with the truth. Guard your heart with reason as well. Think of the two kingdoms, civil and spiritual. The wise civil kingdom has women protected and provided for so they can raise children and manage their homes, things they’re well suited for regardless of their predilections to what is traditionally considered feminine. Don’t buy into the communistic lies of there being no difference between the sexes.
“Unlike any other ‘ism’ in the world today, feminism is one we aren’t supposed to question. We are meant to embrace it with our whole hearts, because to do otherwise would be to betray ourselves as women, or so the argument goes. As a result, most women view feminism as something for which they should be grateful, like a beneficent grandmother who has patiently watched over them and guided them to a happier and more just world.” – The End of Woman by Carrie Gress
All the media and modern myths you imbibe act as if feminism is an accepted truth filled with good, as the above quote says. It’s the modern philosophy we aren’t supposed to question. You will have to do the hard hard work of digging it out of your own heart, because believe me, it’s there. (Also, I can’t recommend Gress’ book enough. It will help you see that the emperor isn’t wearing any clothes.)
Guard your heart! Man your shield wall!
As you set your guard, you’ll need to plow, plant, and feed your heart with new seeds.
Start looking for women in their “homes” tending their people both in real life and in stories. Start gathering books about the domestic arts and start practicing then. Sew that fallow ground with good seed!
We never just form a shield wall. Something good, delicate, precious, and vulnerable shelters behind a shield wall. Make sure you tend the garden of your soul as well as guard it.
Once you’ve started the fight with your own mind, you will face outside opposition.
90% of the pushback you’ll encounter will be from other women. Women are very relational, tribal, and manipulative. Girls can be mean, but they won’t hit you like a man. They’ll tease you, belittle you, gossip behind your back. They’ll largely be passive-aggressive.
You probably expect pushback from the world, but you may be surprised by pushback from your own stay-at-home mom. If your SAHM reacts negatively to your blooming desire to manage a home it might be because of several things. First, it may be that she was living vicariously through you and feeding on what she viewed as your freedom. Now she feels like you're simply trapping yourself in a position she wishes she could escape. Second, she may feel like your interest is a negative commentary on her homemaking. She may read into your desire a lack on her part to either equip you or that you’re saying she’s not doing a good job. Third, she may feel guilty. She may see areas she hass taken for granted in her home or become lax in her management.
Be gracious, understanding, and forgiving even if she lashes out at you or mocks you. Give her as much grace as you can.
Be aware of the fact that you are in HER home. Treat her how you hope your future daughters will treat you even if you find yourself on the receiving end of her disdain, belittlement, or misunderstanding. Hold your line, with respect.
Be aware of the fact that women don’t often manage households well together. Two women in the same kitchen gets messy real fast. Consider what needs to happen for you to have your own place while seeking contentment where you are. Being content isn’t sitting on your hands fatalistically. It’s trusting the Lord no matter what and then doing what you can with what you’ve been given.
Be aware of the fact that you will find yourself losing friends. You may get ghosted or outright derided.
It’s going to hurt and it’s going to be hard. You will be viewed as the enemy, brainwashed, part of the problem, or as a member of a cult. This is why it is vital you don’t do this alone. Find communities of homemakers and connect with them. Read books, find online groups, join the Homemaker Chic group, reach out to women at church and let them know what is going on. This isn’t building an echo chamber, this is building a new community, a support network.
Making this choice is to face a time of testing. You will be tempted to slip back into old habits, to regress back to your room, to echo other women just to get the pressure to ease off. Stay strong, hold the line, and when you fail fall back to your ultimate shield wall: Christ and His Word. Repent, refresh, rearm. This is why it is so important to build a community, to find those stories.
Remember, stories do two important things:
1) They let us practice being brave before we have to be.
2) They help us love the truth that we mentally understand.
Stories let us see the truth in action, let us see and know and understand it. Stories give us heart knowledge to go with our head knowledge. Don’t just turn around and watch Rom-Coms. Look for stories about relationships that aren’t only about getting into bed. Look for stories where women tend, guard the home fires, support the men, love their children. Look for stories of sacrificial love, not freedom from random responsibilities. Look for true love that stands together and faces out.
Most off-the-wall example? Aliens. This movie is horror, action, violence, mayhem, language, guts, and marines. What about it could possibly help a woman seeking to find her home? Aliens is ultimately a story about a family, and what a woman will do for her child. When you see Hicks, Ripley, and Newt as a father, mother, and child, this movie moves into a whole new realm and can be super empowering and uplifting. Hicks literally gives his all to protect his family. Ripley in turn, protects their daughter. It’s a wonderful “family” film. Stories will help you carry on!
You have chosen a difficult path, but you aren’t going at it alone, you’re not walking it alone. There are more of us with you than the world would have you know.
Love,
A fellow Homemaker
