Letters to a Young Matron, Part 1
Dear Young Matron,
Let’s start by covering some basics that most women, not all, but most of us deal with every day:
● Cooking
● Cleaning
● Laundry
Why these three? They’re basic. No matter who you are or what you do in this life, you have to cook, clean, and do laundry. You can’t get more fundamental than these three.
Why is it often the women who do these things? Because this is the first way we help. If our husbands are working to provide income and shelter, we are working to give him time to invest in those things. And because these are the basics of life, they’re foundational in nurturing and tending. This is the first place we practically tend our homes and practically produce warmth. Since women have been the mistresses of these three realms since creation, there is a wonderful sense of history and ancestry in doing the work all wives have done, mother to daughter, grandmother to granddaughter, and aunt to niece, for generation upon generation.
The other amazing thing about these three responsibilities is that they’re shallow enough for a toddler to wade at the edge of and deep enough to inspire artists, architects, engineers, scientists, and billion-dollar companies. What? You don’t see that? What are fashion, home design, restaurants, and the research of chemicals but the outward expressions of cooking, cleaning, and laundry?
Don’t tolerate an attitude of neglect or disrespect, or take for granted these three things. You aren’t being abused or relegated to the back dungeon by being given these three endeavors. You are being handed great and glorious tasks. Seek to see it this way or you will chase after other shiny objects while your home is either coldly tended by others or not tended at all.
Side Note: I have absolutely no issue with delegating work. Having a cook, a maid, or using the cleaners is 100% acceptable in the management of your home. Many a husband and many a wife have delegated cooking, cleaning, and laundry to others. But! I wonder if there isn’t an intangible warmth to be found when a woman does these things herself. Is laundry washed and folded by the matron ‘warmer’ than the clothes picked up from the cleaners? This is entirely a musing, a rabbit trail, something to consider.
If you don’t respect the value of cooking, cleaning, and laundry you will hate your work, cut corners, and complain. This isn’t a call to perfection—we all struggle with attitude and we all have to fight to stay happy in our work, but battling the temptation to complain will be much easier if you believe in the inherent value of what you’re doing.
So what is the magic found in these three things?
Cooking: this is body and soul magic. You need to nourish your body and refresh your soul with meals. This requires study, research, time, and practice. Family health, size, schedule, and budget affect how you go about feeding people. You have to manage food and your kitchen so you don’t poison anyone, and to produce the positive effect of a healthy family. You will need to study not only the safe handling of food but nutritional needs. On top of that, you layer specific comfort foods for your husband, yourself, and your children.
This isn’t just going to spring into existence through a magical flash and bang. This requires dedication and study.
The temptation comes when you do this over and over, 3-4 times a day forever. It’s easy to feel like Sisyphus pushing his rock up the hill only to have it crash down again. How can everyone be hungry again? If anyone asks about dinner one more time… I just want the dishes to all be done for three seconds. Because we humans need to eat to stay alive, food preparation is a never-ending job.
● Stay on top of your attitude: chose to love to cook
● Grow your skills so you don’t stagnate
● Set proper expectations: if we all eat all the time, kitchens are going to be messy. That’s okay.
● Follow your husband: encourage him to critique meals, listen and follow his advice, make things he likes.
● Communicate when you’re struggling and get help.
● Tools: for the love of all that is home, as you grow and learn, get better tools. Good tools can make or break your cooking.
● Cookbooks: Consider getting a cookbook and cooking through it. It will teach you a lot.
● Look for the good: just like with husbands, friends, churches, we have a choice to be critical or gracious, to notice evil or good. Look for the good in cooking.
I’ve spent a long time hating cooking, but by God’s grace, facing a day in the kitchen is now my favorite day of the week. I enjoy shopping. Meal planning is taxing, but that’s just because of so many decisions. I still enjoy it and the fruit of it.
You can make or break your home and husband through cooking. Take it seriously and learn to love it. Meals are where some of the best familial bonding happens. Take cooking seriously.
Cleaning: just like cooking, this is a health issue and a comfort issue. We homemakers are the first line of defense in our family’s health. This is as ordinary as keeping bathrooms clean so diseases don’t overwhelm us, and as extraordinary as knowing and understanding some level of the science and medicine of the human body. Cleaning creates a health-safe environment. Not cleaning puts your family in danger.
Cleaning also helps your family emotionally. Everyone functions better in a clean environment. An unclean home is like having permanent brain fog. It keeps your home in a state of chronic illness.
You do have to balance all that with the fact that a sterile environment is just as toxic as a filthy one. You want to be clean, not a science lab. A home should be lived in. Dirt, dust, food, and the knick-knacks of life are part of what makes home homey. To find a balance between sterile and filth, start with your husband. Some men appreciate spotless living spaces. Others just want basic cleaning done. Some thrive in chaos. You need to follow his lead in managing his home. Talk to him, ask for his thoughts, listen for hints and clues, notice what he notices. Make important to you what is important to him, and communicate your desires, abilities, and needs.
Look back at the points about cooking. Those are all true for cleaning. Learn to love it, get good tools. Neat and orderly homes don’t have to be quaint or boring. The order is a springboard for all that your family loves and enjoys. It’s hard to have a game night on grimy tables. It’s hard to want to be home if trash is strewn about, and it’s hard to think through the clutter.
Keep in mind, this is subject to change. I’m strongly drawn to a maximalist design. Yes to plants, rugs, and art! But, with my health issues, mentally and physically I work with a minimalist design. It’s less visual noise and less to clean. Your tastes and desires will change and grow, and your skill in the work of cleaning will too.
Laundry: the tending of cloth. On its surface, this is washing dirty underwear and we all get that clothes have to be cleaned. But wading deeper, laundry encompasses curtains, rugs, duvets, mattresses, upholstery, carpets, spot cleaning, laundry stripping, mending, purchasing, upkeep, ironing, and possibly sewing. Laundry requires an understanding of seasonal needs and what your family likes to wear, along with your husband’s professional wardrobe, your professional wardrobe (even us homemakers have a professional wardrobe), and your kids learning respectful dressing for specific occasions. Laundry is the care and maintenance of the fabrics of the home.
If that overwhelmed you a bit, that’s a good thing. That means you’re beginning to see that laundry is more than sorting whites from the colors, and delicates from the rags. It is way more. If you’re starting to see that, you will resist the temptation to find home management boring. Who has time to be bored when this much stuff needs doing constantly?
If you ever feel like you’ve got it all down, especially if you’re relatively newly married, that’s probably a good indication that you need to dig deeper in some area of your home management. You’ve mastered a certain level, now start researching the next level. Yay, you can wash clothes without having white shirts come out pink. Great! Good job! Can you mend holes? Clean a yellow collar? Are your closets being appropriately used? How many people in your home have holes in their socks? Is it better for your family if you buy cotton or synthetics? How are they made and what are the pros and cons? When was the last time the bathroom rugs were washed? Are the seasons changing, requiring a bedding change? On and on and on.
The deeper you wade, the deeper and broader cooking, cleaning, and laundry become.
Remember not to try to gain all the knowledge and do all the things at once. You have, Lord willing, many years to engage in this work. Take it slow, layer, let things settle before you add new things. Always be aware of your phase and stage of life. Talk with your husband.
Love,
A fellow matron and HearthKeeper
