Letters to a Young Matron, Part 1

(Because this article contains more personal and theologically based advice, I’ve placed it here under the Personal category instead of in the main Article area. There are several different series in the Article area with practical advice for new homemakers.)

Dear Young Matron,

There was a time when ‘young’ meant both young in age and young in experience. In the context of homemaking, it now mostly means experience level. To be a young matron is to be inexperienced. There is a natural tendency these days for older people to think anyone getting married between 18 and 25 is just so young, too young. We know the harsh reality of what marriage is and how closed options seem to be when you have a husband and children. We have this knee-jerk reaction that you should do all the things, experience life before you settle. The danger here is that when you finally get around to “settling” you realize you have no life. You have no husband and no children and no prospects for either. To older matrons and crones, everyone who is young seems like babies, but it’s not good advice to tell young women to wait to get married and have babies. All you’re doing is helping them potentially never have a family. If you’re getting married young—not participating in the divorce culture—marriage and children will mature you quickly, and leave you many years, if the Lord wills, to enjoy the fruit of your labors. But, I digress. My point is, many ‘young’ matrons aren’t young, but inexperienced. So what do you need to know to set up your home?

Husbands.

If I could get one thing settled in your heart and head when you think about home, it is your husband.

Right now your whole world is tainted by the intoxicating emotions of romance, and the oddly amazing and indescribable sense of this man being “the one.” Take what I’m about to say and squirrel it away. Right now the very idea that you may ever have to labor (blood, sweat, and tears) to love this man isn’t to be believed. But being a matron in your home is first and foremost about loving your husband.

One of the chief and best ways to love your man is to respect him. We live in a culture that will not train you in what a man is or how to respect him. A man is not a woman. A man is more than biologically different than you, though he is that. He looks at the world far more aggressively than you do and without the fear and backbiting we women constantly war against. Your husband is not like you. He isn’t a girlfriend. He’s a man. What he wants, besides food and sex, is respect.

God calls us to respect our husbands. They’re not our brothers, fathers, or sons. Don’t treat your husband like any of those things.

Respect what he tells you, what he critiques about you, how and where he leads you and your children. Respect his lack of fear.

Respect the vulnerability he shares with you. You may be the only soul on earth he is ever vulnerable with. What does that mean in reality? He will show you his weakness and self-doubt and you must not allow it to make you see him as weak. You will either dominate or despise him if you see him as weak. This puts us in a precarious situation. Your husband may be the “strong, silent type”, John Wayne to the world while crying on your shoulder in the bedroom. While outside marriage this seems so romantic, inside marriage it can be odious. You may want to yell at him to grow a pair!

Respect him. Respect his authority, his responsibilities, his burdens, and his weakness shared with you. Being his wife is maintaining your respect even when he’s weak or brutish. Loving your man is respecting your man.

Submission is the other really hard part of marriage. To be a submissive wife you must root your mind in the truth that your submission has absolutely nothing to do with your husband. Submission is between you and Jesus Christ. Your brother, your captain, your King has commanded submission, and because He loves you and gives good gifts, you follow and obey out of trust. If you plan to only submit to your husband when he is worthy of submission, don’t get married. That’s an impossible standard to set for another sinner. That’s an impossible burden to put on a sinful, finite man, and you’re giving yourself a back door to disobey God. Submit out of faith in Christ, not your husband.

Side Note: I’m seeing this very weird and uncomfortable trend in the homemaking world of submission being this almost sexual aspect of marriage, or like this servitude. I saw a woman say that to be a femininely submissive wife you should keep yourself on the slightly skinnier side so that your husband naturally feels stronger and more protective. No. Stop. Submission isn’t servitude or a kink. I’m a free daughter of the King, following the command given to me by my Lord to help and support and follow this specific son of the King. It’s not some twisted fantasy of feminine mousiness.

This will be the earthly war in your heart as long as you are married. You are stepping into a shield wall without any reprieve. No replacements and no relief are coming. You will man this shield wall of respect and submission your entire married life. Blood, guts, grunting, screaming, scars, wounds for the next several decades. This is what you are stepping into. A Viking shield wall is a much better metaphor for your heart in marriage than any soft cottagecore image.

Now that you’re are aware of what this is, keep in mind that your man and your home are a unique unit. You will be tempted to envy and bitterness when it comes to your man and your home. You will lust after marriages with more freedoms and marriages with more boundaries. You will covet other women’s homes, husbands, and marriages. This will poison your home if you let these weeds in. They will choke out all earthly delight. You are entering marriage with dreams, hopes, and desires. Only one problem. The man you married is about to dash them all to pieces because he isn’t some fictional Prince Charming. He’s a real, breathing, sinning, loud, ridiculous male.

Communicate with him and establish a home for y’all. A home of your own, not some other person or fictional man. You’re not creating a home for Mr. Darcy or Mr. Rochester, but your unique and individual man.

Some husbands will want to be involved in everything that has to do with homemaking and some won’t want any involvement. Some will be micro-managers and some macro-managers, and most will be somewhere in between. Some men want a say in all the decorating and some don’t care. Some may be right at your shoulder with each step you take into your home and then life changes and they’re suddenly not. Some are delegators and some aren’t. Communicate, listen, and help the man you have. Keep your eyes on your home. Refuse to allow yourself to wish you had a different husband. A more involved husband or a less involved husband, to wish your husband worked from home or got out of the house once in a while. You will be tempted to want everything you don’t have.

Love YOUR husband, and tend HIS home. Respect and help.

You are called to be his helper. He’s not called to be your helper. This doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to help you and you’re not allowed to ask for help. Ask for help! He’s your husband and he can’t lead if he doesn’t know you need help. He loves you. Allow him to use his brains and his muscles for your wellbeing.

Being a helper is an attitude. You are to help him. From getting the oil changed to baking cookies to laundry, all this helps him and should be done with the attitude of helping. Whenever I struggle with a request or am overwhelmed or just feeling off, I remind myself that I’m his helper and he has told me what helps him. Don’t go into marriage expecting to be served, but to serve. Don’t expect to be waited on hand and foot. Don’t force your expectations for your man into a Hollywood box. Go and see how you can help him.

Side Note: Speaking of Hollywood, don’t go into marriage expecting to be worshipped. You aren’t God, you’re not good at it, and the position is taken. (That’s a line from an old song.) You shouldn’t expect your husband to worship the ground you walk on, but you will. You really will. Go to work against these false expectations of love.

This all sounds easy, but it is very hard. It is hard work. You will be astounded that no matter how much you want this, or have prepared yourself for it, how selfish, nagging, and mean you can be. You will say things and think things about your husband that you would never allow yourself to think or say to any other human being. You will show the entire world grace before you show it to him. Repent, ask forgiveness, pray, get back to work on the garden of your home.

Be on board with your man. Not mine, not a fictional man, not some man in a book or a movie, your unique man.

Watch, especially guard against, bitterness. It will pop up suddenly. It will crawl in behind your shield wall to stab you in the back. It will spread overnight like a noxious weed in your garden. We women must guard our hearts against being bitter. The world loves to fill us with how odious marriage is, what a waste home is, what magical mighty things we could be doing, how stupid and abusive our man is, and on and on. All the while bitterness spreads and anger and contempt crawl through our front lines, far more destructive than the axes and arrows of the enemy.

Be on guard and garden your soul.

Trust to Christ’s love and goodness and go at the work.

Lastly, unless you’re marrying a wealthy widower, your man is young, young in age and young in experience. He should be protecting and providing for you, yes, but this takes time to learn. It takes time to establish a career. Don’t expect him to provide for you as your father does. You are leaving an established man to help a man establish himself. This won’t feel safe or secure. You will have to stick with him as he takes risks and possibly puts you in danger through his choices. (He eats what you cook and lives where you clean, so you may be putting him in danger too.) Don’t go into your new marriage expecting to just have perfect, cozy, Instagram nesting. You will not instantly be middle class. It takes time. You have to have shabby apartments, broken down cars, cheap meals, long days first. Face this together. Marriage isn’t about playing house. Marriage is about facing life together and establishing a home. That takes time and diligent effort.

Young women want a home to tend, but they expect young men to already have the building. That isn’t often how it works. (If you’re dead set on this, then marry an older man.) Most marriages start dirt poor and stay poor for many years. Many men want to protect and provide but they have to learn just like you have to learn to love and tend. This takes time and experience. You may be a matron in title, but you aren’t in experience yet.

Most of us have the desire and instinct for marriage and home, but we have to learn, train, grow.

Be realistic.

Be HIS helper!

Pray that you will help him today and then judge what you do by that standard. Are you helping him? Is what you’re doing helping or are you being selfish and manipulative? Respect, submit, and help the man God gave you and who you made a vow to.

I heard this when I was newly married and pray it often: that I would love him more than me, us more than him, and God more than us. I also regularly pray for the Lord to take care of me by taking care of my husband (financially, physically, spiritually). Pray for your husband.

Root yourself in the deep waters of Christ’s love for you and His goodness. Humbly focus on your own heart, guard and garden it. Keep your eyes on what your own man has told you will help him and not on what you think might help him.

Be aware of the battleground, this weedy, untamed mess that is your heart. This is a fight. Don’t think for one second this is a cozy picnic. You have the power to build up a man or destroy him. You can make every aspect of life a living hell for you and him. Go to work. Read Titus, 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy, Proverbs 31, Ephesians, and 1 Peter. Go to work, stay in the fight, tend your garden with eyes wide open.

Love,

A Matron and fellow HearthKeeper