Letters to a Young Matron, Part 2

Dear Young Matron,

Women have always found themselves in situations of already established households. From widowers with young children, divorced men, or long-term bachelors, this isn’t a new phenomenon, nor are you doing something foreign to women if you find yourself stepping into an already established, or semi-established home. Between the divorce rate and men getting married later, you may find yourself stepping into homes already decorated, kitchens already stocked, apartments and homes already chosen, and churches already joined.

Don’t fret. This isn’t as unusual as you think.

Also, don’t be shocked if you find your husband’s ‘homemaking skills’ to be on par with yours or even better. Many men have an eye for beauty, décor, and color. Why do you think so many men are artists, decorators, and fashion designers? Men are artistic. Don’t proudly think you’re going to sweep in and turn his messy bachelor pad into a domestic abode. He may have it more together than you can or would. That’s not somehow an insult to your femininity or his masculinity.

The most important thing, not only for walking into a previously established home, not only for dealing with both in-laws, and not only for raising children but for your entire marriage is communication.

You are called to be your husband’s helper. How can you help if you don’t communicate? He’s called to provide, lead, and protect, to build a home. How can he do this if he doesn’t know what you need or want?

As a new homemaker, one of the first questions you need to ask your husband is: where are the lines? What does he expect of you? How will you best help him? What are your domains? What does he expect? What is your job description in the home?

Side Note: because, generally, homemaking is a lifelong or at least a many-decade work, you will want to revisit these questions as life changes and as you change. Revisit these questions regularly both organically and on purpose. Then he will know your needs and you can follow his lead because no one is guessing.

Keep at the forefront of your mind the reality of miscommunication. You are both finite and sinful. You both need food and sleep. You will both hurt each other with your words and tone of voice and facial expressions. Be wise in the timing of these conversations and repent and forgive when they don’t go well. Give your husband time and room to contemplate. He may never have thought about your role in his home or he may have unspoken assumptions. Be patient, gentle, and quiet. Everything doesn’t have to be sorted right now. Calm your anxiety.

Your position isn’t one of authority. Do not tell your husband what you will do or what he will do. Yes, you’re aren’t the slave in the household. You hold the rank of wife with all its responsibilities and blessings. That means you are commanded to respect and obey the man you have chosen to marry, regardless of whether he deserves your respect or obedience.

Ask, don’t demand. Seek approval don’t just inform him. He tells you what he’s doing and what he wants you to do. You help and follow him.

Side Note: It goes without saying, but I’m gonna say it: this is why it is so important to take seriously who you will marry. And this shouldn’t be abusive, but it will be hard. It may require your husband to firmly remind you that you follow him, he doesn’t follow you. We women quickly take the lead. If he has to rebuke that repent and go back to following. I’m not in any way condoning abuse, but we are too quick to name any sort of masculine strength abuse while acting like women can never be abusive. Also, I’ve never met a godly, sanctified, and being sanctified man who didn’t take into account his wife’s needs and wishes. You guard and garden your heart, trusting in Christ, and leave your husband’s heart to the Lord.

It is good and wise, especially in this day and age, to express your desire to be a homemaker. You may not realize this, but most men nowadays automatically assume you don’t want to be a homemaker. Express the idea to him and tell him what you would like, respectfully. He can’t provide and lead what he doesn’t know you want and need.

What do you do if he says no?

No, I don’t want to change the furniture. No, I don’t want to eat healthy. No, I want you to work outside the home. No, I want our kids in preschool and public school. No, I want to move away. No, I want to go to a different church. No, I don’t want you to wear that. No, I don’t want you to clean the bathroom like that. No, I don’t want you to hang out with those people. No, we can’t paint that wall. No, I want you to do the finances. No, I want you to homeschool the children. No, I don’t want you working outside the home. No, we’re not moving. No. No. No.

What do you do when he says no, even to good and wise things?

You shut up.

Now, everyone I’m sure just got their feathers ruffled. I’m not saying don’t talk to him, I’m saying don’t give into the temptation to wear him down with words. I have met very few women who need to be encouraged to speak up. Yes, I know they exist, but my experience is that most women need to learn to give their husbands space to actually lead, which means closing our mouths and not acting like we’re the wisest thing that ever walked the earth. The fight for us is always finding the balance between speaking and waiting. This is our battleground ladies, and many of us need to remember that waiting quietly can actually help our husbands and our homes. I’m NOT saying never talk. I’m saying be more careful what you say, how you say it, and how much you say.

You are his wife, his helper, his support. Don’t verbally overwhelm him. Control your words. Follow his lead. Pray. Pray he’ll have wisdom and success. If you pray against him, that he would be shown to be foolish or dangerous, you’re only praying hurt upon yourself. But don’t give up. If you see an issue, respectfully and privately tell him, accept his response, and then pray. Your job isn’t to change him and if you try you will destroy your home. God changes people, not us. We women win without a word. Shut up after you’ve respectfully and privately said your piece. Do not hound him, berate him, nag him, or manipulate him. Don’t do this publicly. Don’t do this privately. And do not tolerate it at all in your head and heart. Pull those weeds up now!

Pray. Oh, ladies, pray. Pray for his wisdom and wellbeing. Pray that he’ll see what needs doing both in himself and the home. Pray God will give him godly friends and men to encourage and convict him. Pray you will have a gentle and quiet heart towards him and life.

This disrespectful and contentious temptation may sound like something that you’d never do. Your husband will always treat you like a queen and you will always happily follow his lead.

If only I could pop your bubble!

If you want new curtains and he says no, or yes, but only this type, follow his lead, pray for a quiet spirit, repent of any anger or bitterness or backbiting and seek to follow his guidelines. It will probably be something this minor - new curtains, painting, dinner. It won’t be something grand. This heart of disrespect will start to tempt you with little, little things. Man your shield wall! Don’t let those weeds spread in your garden.

Communicate your struggles but don’t nag. A good way to do this is to set some simple principles as gates to the garden of your heart:

●       Don’t be rude or insistent. Show love and respect.

●       Remind yourself he is in the position of authority. How would you respond to your boss or your pastor? Respond that way to him.

●       Guard your expectations. He may say no. You need to calmly accept that on the big things and the little things.

●       You are his helper. Don’t presume to take the lead in the home. Give him a safe place to lead and even make mistakes in leading, just like you would like to be treated as the helper with space to burn meals, ruin shirts, or fumble schedules. Be forgiving before or regardless of whether he asks. Give him room to lead.

●       Don’t come to him guns blazing. Ask questions and be open to your ideas being modified, rebuked, or denied. Go to him humbly and willing to give up on ideas or wait on ideas. Be teachable. Come ready to submit, not fight or force.

●       Give him room to grow just like you would like him to give you room to grow. Your relationship will be so much healthier if you don’t demand he has it all figured out on day one. Be kind to him. He’s not your enemy.

Communication is also important when dealing with both sides of your extended family. You’ll want to talk to your husband because it is a help to him. It’s good to see both what you want and don’t want but you must communicate that respectfully. Your job is to help him see what he doesn’t see, but you don’t act independently from his lead and you trust his judgment when you’re disappointed or he says no. Let him lead and be your guide without being disrespectful or nagging. You may have to drop an issue for a time. Be gentle and quiet.

All this, this heart attitude of submission, will set you at odds with the world. Other women will see you as the enemy, slavish, or stupid. They will actively encourage you to nag, manipulate, berate, and take the lead in your home. They will actively speak against your husband, any and every decision he makes, and the direction he is taking the family. Be on guard.

Your husband will make mistakes. He will sin against you and he will make bad choices for your family. Your respect for him isn’t dependent upon whether he deserves it. It ultimately has nothing to do with him. It is what Jesus Christ, our King and Lord, has commanded, and we swiftly obey knowing He only commands what is good. That is the only way to maintain respect and love for your husband and a gentle and quiet spirit. Follow Christ and in following him, follow your husband.

Homemaking is helping. That’s why each home is unique. You aren’t a slave to him, you’re his helper. They may outwardly look the same, but the motivation is entirely different. The helper comes with a heart of love. Respectfully communicate, following his lead and his boundaries. Express your needs and wants, absolutely! But, once you have, calmly, quietly, and prayerfully follow.

Face the fact that your core issue, our core issue, in marriage is to be sinfully independent and to sinfully take the lead or nag him to death when he says no. This is the core problem you will face each and every day. Guard and garden your heart.

Communication is vital to a well-managed household. It is also fraught with dangers, confusion, and sin. It grows and changes. Learning to respectfully communicate is one of your greatest skills as a homemaker. You will screw this up. You will have to confess a disrespectful heart, mind, and words. Learn from these failures and follow his instructions on respecting him and managing his household. 

Love,

A matron and fellow HearthKeeper